January 2010

The arrow acts, the circle is

The arrow displaces air, the circle breathes it

The arrow moves forward, the circle sits still

The arrow asks, “What can I do next?”, The circle wonders, “Where is the arrow going?”

The arrow penetrates, the circle surrenders

The arrow forgets, the circle remembers

The arrow hurries, the circle waits

The arrow is hard, the circle is soft

The arrow fears, the circle rejoices

The arrow draws blood, the circle draws pictures of kittens

The arrow points at others, the circle laughs at all of life

The arrow pierces, the circle soothes

The arrow judges; the circle accepts

The arrow forgets that it is the circle

Until it slows, edges melting, and comes into itself

My lifework is to remind myself and the world of our circle nature.  If you are inspired, intrigued, or interested in exploring your own or your organization’s “circle nature”, let me know.  Let’s explore it together!

At the center of nonviolence stands the principle of love…When we speak of loving those who oppose us, we refer to…a love which is expressed in the Greek word agape…Agape is a willingness to go any length to restore community…In the final analysis, agape mean a recognition of the fact that all life is interrelated.

~ Martin Luther King, Jr. from “An Experiment in Love” (1958) collected in A Testament of Hope: The essential writings and speeches of Martin Luther King, Jr.

What is violence?

When I talk to people about Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, occasionally someone will respond by saying, “What do you mean. I’m not violent.”  This reaction (and the amount of time needed to clarify the meaning of violence) is one reason why I now use “Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication” rather than “Nonviolent Communication” as the term for the model I use and teach. Violence is a charged word that most of us don’t prefer to describe our actions.

The Jackal is the symbol of language that might lead to violence

Words that come to my mind when I think of “violence” include war, domestic violence, murder, and hate (And you thought I didn’t have a dirty mind!).  The images invoked by this word tend to trigger defensiveness as we try to protect ourselves from such a distasteful label.

Using Dr. King’s definition as a starting point, violence could be defined as a “lack of” willingness to go to any length to restore community or a “mis-recognition” or “ignorance” of the interconnectedness of all life. In Compassionate Communication (CC – also known as NVC), labels are seen as expressions of unmet needs and all behavior is seen as an attempt to meet needs. Thus the word “violence” can be converted into needs-language. It may look like this: Violence is any behavior that honors needs other than those for community and interdependence.

How about an example?

Violence on the Hardwood

Once upon a time when I was playing basketball, one of my opponents threw a basketball at me (actually it’s happened at least 3 times in about 30 years of competitive play).  Is this an act of violence?  I think most of us would agree that it was.  When an act of violence is committed, the needs of the person acted “upon” are not met.

The giraffe in the symbol of Compassionate Communication

The first two times it happened I was upset because I was wanting caring, safety, respect, appreciation, and fun. The most recent time, I was shocked and amused because my needs for novelty and stimulation were met. In addition, I was significantly bigger than the “thrower” so I was confident that my need for safety could be met in the interaction.

The “throwers” were likely upset because their needs for respect, appreciation, and fun weren’t met. Perhaps they didn’t enjoy my “aggressiveness” and “determination” (and the fouls that sometimes result from aggressive, determined play). In that moment, each of them did not seem willing to come together to restore the community and they likely saw me as a foreign entity distinct and different from (and “less than”) them. Their behavior was focused solely on their own unmet needs without a broader perspective that included knowledge of my needs.

Am I Violent?

Looking at violence in this way means that many of our behaviors could be labeled with this term.

Oh no! Could it be that we all behave violently at times? Could it be that when we choose behaviors to meet our own needs we may be blind to the needs of others?

My answers are “Yes” and “Yes”. For me, one aspect of personal growth is developing a consciousness of other’s needs and finding ways to meet them while meeting our own.

By the way, all three basketballs missed

A Compassionate Communication Definition of Violence

I’d like throw out one more definition of violence from the CC world. This definition is from the NVC Academy, a source for online NVC Training:

The three of us live, learn, and grow together!

The word “nonviolent” in Nonviolent Communication refers to the term as Gandhi used it when he spoke of the absence of violence in the human heart…Most people refer to violence as physically trying to hurt another. In the NVC process we also consider violence to be any use of power over people, or trying to coerce people into doing things. That would include any use of motivating others by fear of punishment and promise of reward, or any use of guilt, shame, duty or obligation. Violence in this larger sense is defined as any use of force (verbal or physical) to get people to do things, or any system that includes structures that support this “power-over” paradigm.

How ‘bout them apples?

An invitation

I’ll conclude this blog with an invitation to an Introduction to Compassionate Communication on Thursday. January 28th from 6:30 to 9:00 at the Unitarian Universalist Church in Hillcrest (4190 Front Street/San Diego/92103).  This will provide you a chance to learn more about how violence is defined in CC and how this model supports people in their desire to treat all beings with compassion.  And you’ll get to see the puppets in person!

Please contact Chris Christenson at the church to register (chris@firstuusandiego.org or 619-298-9978 ext. 8014).

We all behave violently at times. I am sometimes violent AND I always have the option to choose nonviolence by returning to my passion: Communicating with Heart.

I’m climbing the highest mountain to share from the top
I’m busy being born again and I’m not going to stop

~ From “I’m Born Again” Copyright © 2010 David R. McCain

Two Aspects of Grace

The sermon theme at my church for January is “Grace”.  As part of a group that I belong to there, I participated in a group discussion about our personal definitions of Grace and how (or if) we see it working in our lives.

I shared my initial responses and heard how others struggled with this concept.  After reflecting on the discussion, I came to a clearer understanding about two elements of Grace that have the most meaning for me:

1. Being Born. What a gift! What a miracle!  We are here, we are conscious, and we have the capacity to experience the world; and
2. The Capacity for Re-birth. Because we are conscious and can choose where to focus our life-energy, we can be “born again” in each and every moment. Think about that for a second!  I’m filled with appreciation and celebration when I consider my potential for personal transformation and my deep desire to help others create the world and life that they desire. What does being born again mean to you?

The Song

The Lyrics

I’ve come through the darkest winter that I’ve ever seen
My dreams were frozen in frigid weather trapped in the jet stream
Every vision of happiness was buried under drifts of blowing snow
Fears of failure clouded my vision and inertia made it hard to grow
The sun stayed hidden afraid to rise the moon was ever new
My will to change was paralyzed my mood forever blue

CHORUS

I see myself from a bird’s eye
From the outside looking in
I see my soul in torment
My lifeline getting thin
I reach my hand up to the light
As the room begins to spin
From nowhere comes a surge of hope
And I am born again
I am born again

Why springtime comes as a surprise I guess I’ll never know
Each year the new bud springs to life as rivers start to flow
The sun stretches out its warming arms reaching further every day
Children of animals and men come out to run and play
I feel my heart thawing like a Rocky mountain snow pack
The tears streaming down my face tells me there’s no turning back

CHORUS

Now that I’m not sleeping I hope I can stay awake
A faded revelation may look like a mistake
I want to incubate the new life spawning inside of me
To nurture this inner seedling to help it become a tree
I’m climbing up the highest mountain to share from the top
I’m busy being born again and I’m not going stop

CHORUS

The Request

What’s your reaction?

I invite you to join me in re-birth as our Hearts Communicate their unremitting, eternal love!

The wise man reads both books and life itself.

~Lin Yutang

Six Books

I just returned from the Downtown Library in San Diego with six new books.  After I picked up the one book I planned to get, I had about 20 minutes on my meter so I checked out the book sale.

Six Books

I looked at each cart full of books to see if any spoke to me. I found five!  The volunteer who “personed” the money box told me that I owed $5.  Checking my wallet (and remembering that I had put two quarters in the parking meter minutes before), I asked if he would take $4.50.  He said, “If all you got is $4.50, I’ll take it.” What a sweetheart!

I wanted to share a quote from each book and a few words about how it spoke to me and what I might learn from it.

Thomas:  A Doubter or a Sage (Book 1)

The is an invisible world out there, and we are living in it.

~ Bill Viola (Video Artist) From Beyond Belief:  The Secret Gospel of Thomas by Elaine Pagels

This book was recommended from a friend at church whose description I really enjoyed.  This is by far the “heaviest” of all my acquisitions and the only one that I need to return the library.  I’m looking forward to getting into it and broadening my conception of Jesus and Christianity.

My New Sports Hero: LeBron James (Book 2)

I want to be a regular guy who helps people and makes the world a better place.

~LeBron James, From On the Court with LeBron James (NBA Basketball Superstar) by Matt Christopher

I’m still grieving about Tiger Woods.  I had a ton of affinity for his golf game and his life game.  I forgot he was human at some point and that led to disappointment and sadness given knowledge of his recent behavior.  His departure leaves an empty space in my heart for a new Sports Hero.

I have always really liked LeBron James and I grabbed the book about him (for older elementary school kids) when I saw it.  For those who don’t know LeBron, he is a Superstar Small Forward with the Cleveland Cavaliers of the National Basketball Association.  Some have called him the next “Michael Jordan” though a certain LA Laker isn’t one of them.

I like him because he is an all-around player that makes the players around him better.  And he’s a “regular guy who helps people and makes the world a better place”.  Who wouldn’t like that!?

Why I feel a longing for a “Sports Hero” is fodder for another blog.  I do get great joy from playing basketball and LeBron triggers amazement and joy because I want excellence in my life and I am inspired by how he plays the game (and, as far as I know, how he lives off the court).

Motherhood Calls (Book 3)

Those who say they “sleep like a baby’ haven’t got one

~ A New Mother, from Heart of a Mother by Sheryl Roush

Two friends of mine had their first babies late last year.  I am so excited to see both of their creations.  I participated in a dicussion on Grace yesterday at my church that prompts me to celebrate these two examples of grace:

1. The Miracle of our first Birth and the consciousness it gives us; and
2. The Miracle of Re-Birth offered to us in each moment!

I intend to give one the second book I found at the library:  Heart of a Mother by Sheryl Roush. I saw Ms. Roush speak in November at a networking event and I really liked her spirit!  I ended up buying for Newsletter/Flyer-making Guide and a book that I gave to another friend. I was very happy to be able to buy this book for the bargain rate of $1.

Everyone Loves Dr. Ruth.  Right? (Book 4)

Tip #22:  Touch as often as possible

~ Dr. Ruth Westheimer from 52 Lessons in Commmunicating Love by Dr. Ruth

I am in the communication business and I am in the love business and so are you!  As humans, we have the choice in each moment to communication clearly and honestly and compassionately (i.e. With Heart) or not. We also have the option of living our love in all that we do, some of what we do, or none of what we do.  What are you choosing in this moment?

When I saw Dr. Ruth’s offering, I decided to purchase it.  I looked through a number of her tips and I like them.  They are practical and from the heart.  The quote above is one that caught my eye.  When I read it, I felt some sadness because I long to touch my girlfriend who is far away.  My kitty is now laying on my lap and she’ll have to do for now

The Cat Doctor Speaks (Book 5)

Contrary to popular belief, cats do not have ‘nine lives’.  Just like us mere mortals, they only have one.

~Mark Evans from Cat Doctor:  A guide to common ailment and treatment by the Cat Doctor, Mark Evans

Speaking of my lovely feline, another of my finds was the Cat Doctor.  After I picked up the book, I went to my vet (Sweets’s vet) to pick up more food.  While there, I invited two cat-owners bearing sick kitties to check out the book for information about their possible problems.  Both found sections that related to their cats (constipation and over-grooming) and, I assume, saw the vet with a deeper understanding of their beloved.

O-Baby! (Book 6)

First things first: Living your best life starts with being your best self

~ Oprah Winfrey from Live Your Best Life:  A Treasury of Wisdom, Wit, Advice, Interviews, and Inspiration from O, The Oprah Magazine by…Oprah

I haven’t paid much attention to the Cultural Force called Oprah.  I really liked her work in the Color Purple and I have read parts of her magazine a few times.  What sparked me to get this book is my friend Aurelia Flores who has an organization called Powerful Latinas.  Her focus is on providing “online NETWORKING, RESOURCES & INSPIRATION to Latinas… nationwide” per her website.

She has interviewed a whole bunch of “Powerful Latinas” from different walks of life and work (and she is a very “Powerful Latina” in her own right).  At some point, I’m guessing that she’ll put out a book like this one — likely better than this one!  Go, girl!

A Kitten and Six Books

The Kitten: My dear Sweets (Yep, she’s the kitten)

Meow

~ Sweets the Uber-lovable portly cat from the floor as she looks up at me wanting to get on my lap (I think)

Now my kitty is nearly asleep with her rear on my lap, her body across my legs and her paws and head laying on the desk just behind the keyboard and my typing hands. Can you say, “Ahhhhhhhh!”  She is the sweetest creature I know.  She brings me so much joy and she slows me down.

I hope you follow the flow to places (and find books) that bring you joy, discovery, and peace.  That stuff is good for the heart!

I’m slowing down, and I’m rejoining the flow today!

~ from “I’m Slowing Down” Copyright © 2010 David R. McCain

I’ve Been Rushing, Again!

Tell me, crystal ball, "What's the rush?"

Yes, it’s true.  I have been moving faster than I’d like through life.  Rushing is an affliction that continues to challenge me.  Check out a recent blog entry here for a little history.  There is so much I want to do. There are so many people to meet, so many ways I want to grow, and so many possibilities to create the world I want!

I sometimes forget that if I’m not fully honoring my own needs in each moment, I will have great difficulty being present to others.  Sometimes it seems I need to learn the same things over and over until I begin to live them.  Does that sound familar?

Here’s a sampling of the things that have occupied my time over the last few weeks:

• Business
  • Preparing Foundations Class Curriculum
  • Preparing and Presenting Material at a Unitarian Universalist District YoUUth camp in the San Bernardino Mountains
  • Working on my Six Keys to Well-Being (My Life Coaching Framework) – I present them at the First UU Church in San Diego on 1/13
  • Preparing for the Introduction to Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication I’m sharing at the First UU Church in San Diego on 1/21
• Social/Relationships
  • Staying in deep connection by phone with my sweet Katie
  • Being Present with my Lovely Father
  • Making New Friends
  • Nurturing Old Friends
  • Loving my Kitten (she is snoring up a STORM right now!)
• Celebration
  • Celebrating Christmas/Solstice/New Year
  • Reflecting on 2009 and looking forward to 2010
• Self-Care
  • Exercising
  • Eating Well
  • Journaling, Reflecting
  • Laughing/Playing

I am triggering empathy?  Sympathy? Are you playing “My Heart Bleeds for You” on the smallest violin in the world

The bottom line is that I am a little overwhelmed because I’m needing balance in my life.  I’m wanting more peace and down-time.  I want to bring my “best self” with me wherever I go and I regret that I haven’t done that to my satisfaction over the last few weeks.

My Strategies to Meet Needs

We create the world we want moment-by-moment by making requests to help meet our unmet needs.  Here are the requests (i.e. strategies) that I have chosen to meet my unmet needs for peace, balance, and ease:

1. Postponed my January Foundations Classes — The February dates are Thursdays (2/11, 2/18, and 2/25 — evenings 6:30 to 9:30 — and 2/19 and 2/20 — Friday – 6:30 to 9:30 and Saturday – 10:00 to 4:00)
2. Taken more down time to rest and rejuvenate
3. Refining my AM and PM routines to provide greater order in my day
4. Writing this blog entry to clarify my desires and the means I’m choosing to live them
5. And I wrote a song to further clarify my desires and celebrate my power to live them…

I’m Slowing Down (well, at least I’m singing about it:-)

Coming to you soon on YouTube from VideoswithHeart (that’s my YouTube name:)

I used to always run away
My inner sky damp and gray
I’d hide from fear and cry in shame
Waiting for love that never came
Now I charge ahead to change the world
To live out loud, my flag unfurled
As I race, I look back and see
That I’ve far run ahead of me

Nature slows me down

CHORUS
I’m Slowing Down
I’m grounded in the Now
I’m Slowing Down
I‘m letting illusion float away
I’m Slowing Down
I’m renewing a sacred vow
I’m Slowing Down
And I’m rejoining the flow today!

Killing time by execution
Has me paying restitution
By rushing to make gold from lead
And turning each black-letter day to red
I’ll hammer away at my keyboard
Forging plowshares from splintered swords
Forgetting that in my heart
Is where world peace must start

CHORUS

My black cat jumps onto my chest
Giving my frenetic pace a test
She pierces me with her yellow eyes
Can she see through my disguise?
Beneath the fury of always doing
There is a calmness worth pursuing
In repose on the summer grass
Watching the clouds slowly pass

CHORUS

How are you moving through life? Frenetically? Balanced? Sloth-like? Your heart knows the pace that fits. Let it be your guide!