“Roll Over, Dr. Spock!”
~ New York Times quote about Dr. Harvey Karp
(from The Happiest Baby on the Block website)
Dr. Harvey Karp is in the House!
In 2008, I came across an article in the New York Times entitled, “Coping With the Caveman in the Crib” that met my needs for clarity and support for the use of Compasssionate (Nonviolent) Communication with children. This article describes Dr. Harvey Karp’s approach to parenting a toddler. Dr. Karp is known in parenting circles for his best-selling book The Happiest Baby on the Block in which he shares tools to help babies be calmed and sooth so they can sleep.
Dr. Karp’s approach falls into my category of “applied NVC”, “giraffes that don’t know they are giraffes”, or “examples of NVC that aren’t labeled ‘NVC’” 
With its emphasis on applying the skills of empathy (connecting with the needs of the toddler) and honesty (sharing your own needs), it could have been called “Using NVC to Connect With a Toddler”. Here’s the link to the article.
Dr. Karp and Compassionate Communication
I excerpted parts of the article to provide my responses to Dr. Karp’s methods. In short, I really like most of what he shares. Quotes from the article are in quotes while my editorial comments are in italics, brackets, and blue-green — you can’t miss ‘em:
“But Dr. Karp’s method of toddler communication is not for the self-conscious.” [It's for people as interested in meeting the toddler's needs as they are in meeting their own needs.] It involves bringing yourself, both mentally and physically, down to a child’s level when he or she is upset. [It involves "being present to the moment" and connecting with the "life energy" within the child - the unmet needs that are underneath the upset. A key point not mentioned in the article: To communicate in this way, the parent will need to be rested, centered, and calm - their needs must be met. If the parent is in need of support - most parents are very much in need of support - they will have difficulty maintaining the presence that allows this sort of communication. To be compassionate with others, first be compassionate to yourself!] The goal is not to give in to a child’s demands, but to communicate in a child’s own language of “toddler-ese. [Communicating in a way that fosters 'connection' between parent and child. From this connection flows the direction of the relationship.]
“This means using short phrases with lots of repetition, and reflecting the child’s emotions in your tone and facial expressions. [In NVC, the need is to connect and the strategy is to guess at the "emotional state" of the child or their feelings and needs.] And, most awkward, it means repeating the very words the child is using, over and over again. [This is a strategy intended to create connection. Doing things differently may seem awkward at first just because it's not what you are used to doing. More important is this question: Does the new approach work? Hopefully the "awkwardness" won't create a self-fulfilling prophecy.]
“For instance, a toddler throwing a tantrum over a cookie might wail, ‘I want it. I want it. I want cookie now.’ [A clear expression of honesty -- a strategy -- from a person who is likely not aware of all the ways to meet their needs. Connecting with this strategy and exploring the needs underneath it empowers the child to discover new options to meet that need.]
“Often, a parent will adopt a soothing tone saying, ‘No, honey, you have to wait until after dinner for a cookie.’ [This response is an example of an "honesty collision" where both the child and parent are expressing their unmet needs rather than the parent empathically connecting with the child.]
“Such a response will, almost certainly, make matters worse. [The predictable result of an honesty collision is two independent conversations happening in parallel with very little connection. Disconnected parallel conversations with a toddler might involve screaming from both sides.] ‘It’s loving, logical and reasonable,’ notes Dr. Karp. ‘And it’s infuriating to a toddler. Now they have to say it over harder and louder to get you to understand.‘ [Sharing another option before establishing a connection may lead the child to repeat their honesty repeatedly (adults do the same thing) resulting in them becoming more and more upset. I like this guideline: Make an empathic connection before offering solutions.]
“Dr. Karp adopts a soothing, childlike voice to demonstrate how to respond to the toddler’s cookie demands. [The tone and energy of the empathetic response is very important. When in empathy, the tone is not declarative; it's tentative, questioning. This leaves space for the child to "try on" the empathy to see if it fits rather than being told what they are feeling by the all-knowing parent.]
“You want. You want. You want cookie. You say, ‘Cookie, now. Cookie now.’ [This is a good example of 'street' or idiomatic NVC where the parent uses language that they think will help them connect to the child rather than following the four steps of the NVC model or the classical form for empathy -- Are you feeling X because you're needing Y? In this case, the classical form might be: "Are you upset because you're hungry?" The first empathic response begins the "giraffe dance" which is an exchange of words and energy focused on meeting needs. The child's need appears to be for hunger and the adult's need seems to be clarity, connection, and understanding.]
“It’s hard to imagine an adult talking like this in a public place. [Here again self-consciousness can block effectiveness and create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If your mind is focused on the 'awkwardness' or 'strangeness' of this way of communicating you run the risk of communicating in a way that the child perceives as 'awkward' or 'strange'.] But Dr. Karp notes that this same form of “active listening” [or empathy] is a method adults use all the time. [Yes, empathy works with creatures of all shapes and sizes. Animals, too. Just ask my kitty!]
“The goal is not simply to repeat words but to make it clear that you hear someone’s complaint. ‘If you were upset and fuming mad, I might say, ‘I know. I know. I know. I get it. I’m really really sorry. I’m sorry.’ [Here me and the doc part company a bit. I find an apology a way to deflect the issues and protect oneself from punishment rather than a tool to help meet the need for connection and understanding. I would prefer a response that guesses at feelings and needs without acknowledging guilt such as: "Are you upset because you're wanting understanding?"] That sounds like gibberish out of context,’ he says.
On his DVD, Dr. Karp demonstrates the method. Within seconds, teary-eyed toddlers calm and look at him quizzically as he repeats their concerns back at them. Once the child has calmed, a parent can explain the reason for saying no, offer the child comfort and a happy alternative to the original demand. [Here we see the next step in the dance after you make an empathic connect with the "life" in the toddler -- honesty. The parent shares their feelings and needs and helps offer alternatives to the child. Then both parties agree on which alternative to try first. If it doesn't work, the process starts over until an effective strategy is found.]“
Let’s Get Dr. Karp and Dr. Rosenberg (Creator of NVC) Together
I think they’d get along ‘famously’. I’d love to be a fly on the way as they share their success stories.
*** Would you like to read articles written by NVC practitioners that apply it to connecting with toddlers? Here are two links for articles on the Center for Nonviolent Communication (cnvc.org) Website written by Inbal Kashtan that might help meet that need for education:
Hearing the ‘Yes’ in the ‘No’
Grabbing our Way to Peace
I believe that time spent developing a family “culture of connection” will not only save hours and hours lost in argument, it will develop skills in each family member (adults and children) that will help them live fully in the world!
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