April 2010

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

~ Matthew 7:7, New International Version of the Bible

Asking is Easy

I have been asking for what I want frequently.  I have received food, support, companionship, and other goodies.  During my root canal experience I was treated on my birthday and when I asked if they had any birthday discounts, the  receptionist offered me free teeth-whitening trays (valued at $350!).  I’m not sure I’ll accept the offer, but I was  flattered at the gesture.

I’ve been asking for what I want because I don’t have a problem when I receive a “No”.  I honor the autonomy of the subject and move on to meet my need elsewhere (i.e. by offering another request).

“It can’t hurt to ask” has become a way of life for me and the benefits have been significant.  Is this revolutionary worldview for everyone?  I think it is with two notable exceptions.

Exception One:  Taking the “No” Personally

When you ask for the most wonderful thing in the world and the askee says “No”, what do you do?

You can call my cat "fat" because she won't take it personally. She prefers "pleasantly portly", though.

A) Tell yourself that you shouldn’t have asked

B) Tell the askee that s/he should have said “yes”

C) Understand that the askee has good reasons for his/her “NO” and either explore them or move on

If  your answer is A) then you have taken the “No” personally.  This means that you are choosing to take the answer as a reflection of something about you – your approach, your personality, or, even, your value as a person – instead of seeing as a reflection of the current state of the askee.

This decision is likely to lead to hurt!

The second of  the Four Agreements from Don Miguel Ruiz is “Don’t Take Anything Personally”.  Here are two passages from the book:

Nothing others people do is because of you.  It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are completely different world from the one you live in…

You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you.   When you truly understand this, and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.

This sounds great, Mr. Ruiz, but how do you do it?

Compassionate Communication provides a process to allow you to take responsibility for yourself and allow others to take responsibility for themself. That process is empathy.  Empathy allows me to connect with the needs (good reasons) that you are meeting by saying “No”.  With an needs-awareness, taking what others do personally isn’t logical.  In this way, Compassionate Communication provides “rejection protection”.

Exception Two:  If the Askee Cannot say “NO”

Do you know anyone that has difficulty saying “No”? If someone is unable to say “No,” their “Yes” is meaningless.  It’s likely that by continually saying “Yes” when they want to say “No”, the askee will develop resentment for the asker and themselves.  Whenever we don’t honor what we really want with our actions, we run the risk of resentment.

Resentment is “hurt” that keeps on “hurting” as we hold on to (and project) our pain about not attending to our desires.

I have a history of reflexively saying “Yes” to others as a means of protecting myself from conflict.  This tendency, otherwise known as “people-pleasing”, is one that I have worked to “unlearn” because it led to pain for me.  I am confident in my ability to express myself clearly and in ways that can be heard when I’m not in agreement with another person.

Choosing Not to Say “No”

That said, I try not to say the word “No” to convey my state of being because the word is a conversation stopper.  I prefer to communicate in a way that provides space for further dialogue rather than ending the conversation.

My alternative approach is  to follow the adage, “A giraffe [Compassionate Communicator] doesn’t say ‘No’, they share the needs that keep them from saying ‘Yes’”

Here’s an example:  I was recently asked to attend an NVC training happening in Mid-May in Santa Barbara.  Later, I decided that I didn’t want to go.  Here’s what I wrote in an email to the person that invited me:  “I’m taking two other trips during May and I think I’ll be better served by staying home rather than taking another trip up North.”

By sharing the reasons why I wasn’t willing to go in a way that could be heard.  It leaves the door to change open by sharing the reasons why I am choosing not to go.

Do you want to learn how to say “NO” when you mean it?  Do you want to learn to say “NO” without saying that word?  Do you want to learn to hear the “YES” underneath another person’s “NO”?  If so, you may want to learn to Communicate with Heart!

Returning to our Nature

To live compassionately means returning to our nature or “re-tuning” into the ways of being we were born with.  I believe that it is our nature to be connected to ourselves and to others.  Due to our socialization (or “jackal-ization”) we have learned ways of being that blind us to the reality of inner and outer harmony that is our birthright.

Marshall Rosenberg identified this blindness and created (or re-defined) the construct of “needs” to provide a clear path back to our authentic selves.  The four steps of the NVC Model are guides to bring us back to who we really are.

Each of the four “literacies” corresponds directly to one of the four steps of the Compassionate Communication model (Observation, Feeling, Need, and Request).  The four steps work best when we understand the literacy that underlies them.   Competence in any of the four literacies will improve self- and other-connection.  When we gain fluency in all four areas, life is likely to become even easier and more fulfilling.

Below are my definitions of the literacies.

The Four Literacies

Observational Literacy – Awareness of the lenses (i.e. biases) through which we see the world and the ability to describe what we see as objectively as possible.

We move in the world wearing emotional contact lenses that influence what we see and the meanings we make from what we see.  Compassion invites us to strip away the interpretations and evaluations we habitually impose.  In practice, observational literacy means becoming aware of our biases and using that awareness to filter our perceptions.

The result is a starting point for communication based on information that others can agree with.

Emotional Literacy – Awareness of what is happening in your body and the ability to name those sensations.

Emotions are our internal feedback system.  They tell us if what we observe pleases us or triggers discomfort.  In a world where we learn to move from what we see to moralistic judgments about it, we learn to avoid what emanates from our hearts in favor of the product of our heads (i.e. thoughts).  This leads to beings that are internally disconnected.

When we gain the capacity to turn this attention into language that conveys our internal state, we re-connect our hearts and heads and strengthen our connections to life.

Motivational Literacy – Awareness of the energy that drives all behavior and the ability to name that energy.

Needs motivate all behavior.  We all share the same needs.  We are one.  When we can speak the language of needs, we open ourselves to deeper communion with all of life.  When someone tells you they are disappointed in something you’ve done, you have a choice to hear their words only and possibly take the comment personally or to hear their unmet needs just under the surface of their words.  This allows you to attend to what is inside the other.

When we touch the life within others and allow ourselves to be touched by this life, we create connections that re-establish our oneness.  Conflict and oneness are incompatible.

Invitational Literacy – Awareness of choice for all beings and acceptance of what is.

A request is an invitation to meet our needs with no conditions.  A demand is an invitation to meet our needs or be punished (either or both physically and emotionally).  A request-based being is one that values the “NO” as much as the “YES”.   Embracing the “NO” means looking deeper into the needs underneath it and connecting with the “YES” that you find.  When you are present to the need(s) the other person is meeting with their strategy of “NO”, it’s likely that you will open up to another request.

This process leads to agreements that work for all.

Openness invites learning inside.  Understanding welcomes learning and gives it a place at the table.  Literacy allows dialogue with learning.  Fluency means that learning has been integrated and tranformed into growth.

People are people so why should it be
You and I should get along so awfully?

~ Depeche Mode, “People are People“

Labels

One answer I have for Martin Gore and his band members is this:  We get along awfully because we separate ourselves by using labels to describe each other.  I believe that all people are one.  In Compassionate Communication, needs are defined as the “life energy” that every person on our planet (and those folks moving 17,000 mph on the International Space Station) have in common.  They are a bridge to reconciliation and connection.

When we use labels, we focus on difference and lose sight of all that makes us the same.  When we lose connection to others, violence often results.

For more on labels,  here’s a link to the post I made last year:  Labels Come in Many Shapes and Sizes Too.

People are People, Dogs are Dogs

In the April 11th edition of the San Diego Union-Tribune, the editorial cartoon (There it is—->) depicts a snarling dog labeled “sex offenders” chained to a stake.  The chain had a broken link labeled “parole system” that is about to break and free the beast.

Here is the letter I wrote to the paper in response to this image:

My heart is heavy.  I just read the editorial cartoon written by Steve Breen (2009 Pulitzer Prize Winner) in the April 11 edition.  I’d glad his cartoon focuses on the failings of the State Parole System as change is necessary for people to be safe.

What saddens me is not the subject of his work, it’s Mr. Breen’s portrayal of a group of human beings as a ravenous, chained animal.  I believe that people are people.  Period.  When I see a snarling dog labeled “sex offenders”, my heart sinks because I want all people to be treated with respect and understanding, even those who do deplorable things to others.  History has shown repeatedly that dehumanizing people leads to violence and hampers healing.

I believe it is possible to hold people accountable for the harm they cause, protect society from further harm at their hands, and exercise compassion towards them.  One step toward this end is for each of us to use images, words, and thoughts that honor the humanity of all persons.

I invite Mr. Breen to use his Pulitzer Prize-winning talent to depict people as people and let dogs be dogs.

David R. McCain

People are people. Dogs are Dogs.

Cats are…Wonderful!

Of the three, only people need support to Communicate with Heart!

The hungry mouth is the last to get fed.

~ Kelly Bryson

I Have a Disease

Before you leave this page or go for the latex gloves, know that I’m not contagious.  I am coming forth today to say that I suffer from Connection Deficit Disorder.

This affliction is one that has it’s roots on the inside and it can’t be transmitted to others. It shows it’s ugly head when I interact with people from a space of scarcity — a place of lack.  When I come from this place, I have observed that people are much less willing to be around me — I become the “hungry mouth” in Kelly Bryson’s quote.

In contrast, when I come from a place of abundance — when I move through the illusion that any of my needs are unmet — others are attracted to me!  My birthday celebrations remind me that I have been flowery for the last six months as I add more bouquets to a very fragrant life.

What is Connection?

Connection is a code word used frequently by people who practice Compassionate Connection (CC).  It is classified in this work as a human “need” which means it is a label for “life energy” that motivates behavior.  Other needs include safety, clarity, and understanding.

For me, connection is the quality of being when two parties fully understand each other’s perspective.  When this need is met, both parties open to choosing actions that honor both of their needs.  Connection build a foundation for compassionate living between people.

How can Someone Meet this Need?

Like all human needs, the need for connection can be met in innumerable ways.  It can be met through interactions with others, nature, and/or oneself.

I like to meet this need by having people in my life.  Over the weekend my two favorite people stayed with me (Katie Pierce and Leonard McCain) and my CDD disappeared from my internal radar screen.  I discovered this insight before and during my Wednesday Morning hike with my good friend.  Often I want to talk and he wants silence.  On Wednesday, I was in a place of serenity and silence was wonderful.  My life-energy “stomach” was full after several days of feeding by those I care for.

Here’s the video from the top of South Fortuna Mountain

Do you experience CDD?  When is yours the hungry mouth?

The top of the mountain is a vitalizing place.  When we take the “mountain-top” experience with us and integrate it into our lives, we run the risk of living our daily lives as if we never left the mountain.  That’s when we Communicate with Heart.

Part of courage is simple consistency.

~ Peggy Noonan

A Year of Heartstrings!

I’ve been blogging on this site for one year and four days.  It has been great fun for me both to create entries and to receive feedback.  The process of writing my insights and observations about the world has really turned me on.

Playing the Strings

To celebrate 370 days of sharing I’ve sorting all my blog entries into categories.  I invite you to feel into the list and see if your heart is moved to explore further.

Compassionate Communication (NVC)-related Heartstrings

Intention – The worldview underneath the NVC Model

• Return to the Heart: A Mediation – A meditation I share at trainings to introduce Nonviolent Communication
• Recycle or Else — A look back at San Diego’s 2004 recycling campaign through the lens of NVC
• Does Nonviolent Communication Work? – A discussion of the effectiveness of NVC
• I’m Not Violent! Am I? – A look at the definition of “violence” from the perspective of Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication.
• Elephants Poop! – A humorous presentation about a possible new animal symbol for Compassionate Communication.

The Steps, Skills, and Nuances of Compassionate Communication

• The Request Test- My first entry about the 4th Step of the NVC Model
• The Guest House - How do you respond to the emotions (Step 2 of the NVC model) that appear on your doorstep?
  

  What emotions are on Your doorstep?

• No More Secrets – Focused on the importance of sharing our honesty
• Self-Empathy: Actively Loving Yourself Unconditionally - A review and example of self-empathy
• Labels Come in Many Shapes and Sizes Too – A look at the power of labels to define our world with a request to help me choose a label that fits my work
• Who Says I Can’t Get Stoned - A presentation of the concepts of “power over”, “power with”, rebellion, and submission as applied to a new John Mayer song.

Direct Applications to Daily Living

• Excitement — Yes!  Attachment — No! Part I – My experience of finding a possible new living/working space
• Excitement — Yes! Attachment — No! Part II – A discussion of rejection using an NVC lens
• Shortcuts to Effective Communication – Shorthand phrases gleaned from attending many trainings about ways to communication effectively
• Using Presence to Change Habits – Applying the concept of Self-Forgiveness to one of my “bad” habits
• I Left Out a Step! (Follow up to Using Presence to Change Habits) – Adding another step to the self-forgiveness process. The step of Regret!
• Three Steps to Self-full Living! – Elucidates the difference between selfishness, selflessness and self-fullness and provided three steps toward self-full living
• Mars and Venus Orbit the Planet Compassion — A discussion on my views and John Gray’s about taking responsibility for other’s emotions
• “Fair Fighting” Guidelines — Tips on how to manage the inevitable conflicts life brings
• When I Rush, I Lose – Another blog post about my challenge to slow down.
• Attachment Really Does Lead to Suffering – My experience of being attached to certain “dance music”.  Another look at Self-Forgiveness as a means to shift out of suffering.
• Compassionate Parenting with Toddlers – A discussion about Dr. Harvey Karp’s parenting techniques.  He’s the author of “The Happiest Baby on the Block”
• Body Language GOLD on the Internet! – Links to three articles I enjoyed about body language and information on the website they are from.

Invitations

• My Gratitude and Yours – A Thanksgiving message about my gratefulness and an invitation to hear yours.
• Would you Like to Build a Foundation of Compassion? - An invitation to learn more about Compassionate Communication by exploring my services.

Poetry/Stories

• The Open Hand Meets the Closed First – A story about two ways of being in the world
• The Arrow Remembers its Circle Nature – A poem about two ways of being in the world (different from the last blog)
• Stop the Bleeding - An editorial delivered (and videotaped) at my Toastmasters club about news and the future.

Steps on My Life Journey

• What is Sacred to me? - Sharing my history and values
• Man Regains Order in his Life — A press release about my journey toward greater order in my home
• Way Too Many Daves — My insights on my common first name and my best friend with help from Dr. Seuss
• My Secret — Part I: A Hidden Flaw — An introduction to my “deformity” and how it was kept from public view
• My Secret — Part II: Coming to Terms with my Disability — Making sense of my difference and using it a path to connect to others
• Three Freedoms — When we see needs as the cause of our emotions, these freedoms are within our grasp
• Where did you Park your Bike? – A humorous look at my long-hair days and one stranger’s reaction to me
• Learning to Breath – How I learned to breath while swimming and in the ocean of life
• How the “Perfect” Apartment went “Sour”? — A look at the principle of cognitive dissonace (“sour grapes”) in the context of my apartment search
• TO Shave or NOT TO Shave:  THAT is the question – A request for feedback about my life-changing question.
• An About Face (so to speak:) - The answers to the question about my face and my final decision.
• I’m Slowing Down – A description of overload and my strategies to take care of myself.  Includes lyrics to a new song.
• Six Books and a Kitten – A look at six treasures I picked up at a Public Library Book Sale and a bit about Sweets!
• Desert Re-Balancing Act – A video taken on a trip to the desert about the importance of having skills to return to balance.
• Root Canal I: What is Pain, Anyway? – Entry with video of musings on pain.

Music

• Singing with Heart – Reflections on the NVC songs I’ve written in the last four years
• Celebrating Life by Sailing Free (Original Music “Video” Attached) - My sharing from the heart at a friend’s baby shower.
• Start with YoUUr Heart (To make the world a better place) – Lyrics and Youtube video about my “theme” song.
• I’m Born Again and I’m Singing About it! – A celebration of our capacity to remake ourselves by honoring the power of the moment.

Heart-to-Heart (my version of Dear Abby)

• Heart-to-Heart: Family Matters — Answering questions about relationships between a grandparent and her grandkids and a mother and her nanny
• Before and After: Compassionate Letter Writing — An example of a compassionate letter to someone you don’t know that you’d like to have do something for you.

Other Heartstrings

Me and Dad on April 4, 2009

• Words From my Father:  “Dave, go for it!” - Interview with my Dad
• Me, Kitty, and the MBTI – An Introduction to my roommate (Sweets, the cat) and another tool I use in my work and another tool I use in my work
• Dear Tiger… – My attempt to make sense of Tiger Wood’s behavior by honoring his needs and sharing my own.
• My Updated Calendar – A listing of my events for February – June 2010
• 57 in 370 (Blog Entries in Days) – An overview of my blog entries.

When you open your heart and invite the world in, you and the world are richer for it.  Communicating with Heart is good for the soul.