I’m Not Violent! Am I?

At the center of nonviolence stands the principle of love…When we speak of loving those who oppose us, we refer to…a love which is expressed in the Greek word agape…Agape is a willingness to go any length to restore community…In the final analysis, agape mean a recognition of the fact that all life is interrelated.

~ Martin Luther King, Jr. from “An Experiment in Love” (1958) collected in A Testament of Hope: The essential writings and speeches of Martin Luther King, Jr.

What is violence?

When I talk to people about Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, occasionally someone will respond by saying, “What do you mean. I’m not violent.”  This reaction (and the amount of time needed to clarify the meaning of violence) is one reason why I now use “Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication” rather than “Nonviolent Communication” as the term for the model I use and teach. Violence is a charged word that most of us don’t prefer to describe our actions.

The Jackal is the symbol of language that might lead to violence

Words that come to my mind when I think of “violence” include war, domestic violence, murder, and hate (And you thought I didn’t have a dirty mind!).  The images invoked by this word tend to trigger defensiveness as we try to protect ourselves from such a distasteful label.

Using Dr. King’s definition as a starting point, violence could be defined as a “lack of” willingness to go to any length to restore community or a “mis-recognition” or “ignorance” of the interconnectedness of all life. In Compassionate Communication (CC – also known as NVC), labels are seen as expressions of unmet needs and all behavior is seen as an attempt to meet needs. Thus the word “violence” can be converted into needs-language. It may look like this: Violence is any behavior that honors needs other than those for community and interdependence.

How about an example?

Violence on the Hardwood

Once upon a time when I was playing basketball, one of my opponents threw a basketball at me (actually it’s happened at least 3 times in about 30 years of competitive play).  Is this an act of violence?  I think most of us would agree that it was.  When an act of violence is committed, the needs of the person acted “upon” are not met.

The giraffe in the symbol of Compassionate Communication

The first two times it happened I was upset because I was wanting caring, safety, respect, appreciation, and fun. The most recent time, I was shocked and amused because my needs for novelty and stimulation were met. In addition, I was significantly bigger than the “thrower” so I was confident that my need for safety could be met in the interaction.

The “throwers” were likely upset because their needs for respect, appreciation, and fun weren’t met. Perhaps they didn’t enjoy my “aggressiveness” and “determination” (and the fouls that sometimes result from aggressive, determined play). In that moment, each of them did not seem willing to come together to restore the community and they likely saw me as a foreign entity distinct and different from (and “less than”) them. Their behavior was focused solely on their own unmet needs without a broader perspective that included knowledge of my needs.

Am I Violent?

Looking at violence in this way means that many of our behaviors could be labeled with this term.

Oh no! Could it be that we all behave violently at times? Could it be that when we choose behaviors to meet our own needs we may be blind to the needs of others?

My answers are “Yes” and “Yes”. For me, one aspect of personal growth is developing a consciousness of other’s needs and finding ways to meet them while meeting our own.

By the way, all three basketballs missed

A Compassionate Communication Definition of Violence

I’d like throw out one more definition of violence from the CC world. This definition is from the NVC Academy, a source for online NVC Training:

The three of us live, learn, and grow together!

The word “nonviolent” in Nonviolent Communication refers to the term as Gandhi used it when he spoke of the absence of violence in the human heart…Most people refer to violence as physically trying to hurt another. In the NVC process we also consider violence to be any use of power over people, or trying to coerce people into doing things. That would include any use of motivating others by fear of punishment and promise of reward, or any use of guilt, shame, duty or obligation. Violence in this larger sense is defined as any use of force (verbal or physical) to get people to do things, or any system that includes structures that support this “power-over” paradigm.

How ‘bout them apples?

An invitation

I’ll conclude this blog with an invitation to an Introduction to Compassionate Communication on Thursday. January 28th from 6:30 to 9:00 at the Unitarian Universalist Church in Hillcrest (4190 Front Street/San Diego/92103).  This will provide you a chance to learn more about how violence is defined in CC and how this model supports people in their desire to treat all beings with compassion.  And you’ll get to see the puppets in person!

Please contact Chris Christenson at the church to register (chris@firstuusandiego.org or 619-298-9978 ext. 8014).

We all behave violently at times. I am sometimes violent AND I always have the option to choose nonviolence by returning to my passion: Communicating with Heart.