Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

~ Matthew 7:7, New International Version of the Bible

Asking is Easy

I have been asking for what I want frequently.  I have received food, support, companionship, and other goodies.  During my root canal experience I was treated on my birthday and when I asked if they had any birthday discounts, the  receptionist offered me free teeth-whitening trays (valued at $350!).  I’m not sure I’ll accept the offer, but I was  flattered at the gesture.

I’ve been asking for what I want because I don’t have a problem when I receive a “No”.  I honor the autonomy of the subject and move on to meet my need elsewhere (i.e. by offering another request).

“It can’t hurt to ask” has become a way of life for me and the benefits have been significant.  Is this revolutionary worldview for everyone?  I think it is with two notable exceptions.

Exception One:  Taking the “No” Personally

When you ask for the most wonderful thing in the world and the askee says “No”, what do you do?

You can call my cat "fat" because she won't take it personally. She prefers "pleasantly portly", though.

A) Tell yourself that you shouldn’t have asked

B) Tell the askee that s/he should have said “yes”

C) Understand that the askee has good reasons for his/her “NO” and either explore them or move on

If  your answer is A) then you have taken the “No” personally.  This means that you are choosing to take the answer as a reflection of something about you – your approach, your personality, or, even, your value as a person – instead of seeing as a reflection of the current state of the askee.

This decision is likely to lead to hurt!

The second of  the Four Agreements from Don Miguel Ruiz is “Don’t Take Anything Personally”.  Here are two passages from the book:

Nothing others people do is because of you.  It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are completely different world from the one you live in…

You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you.   When you truly understand this, and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.

This sounds great, Mr. Ruiz, but how do you do it?

Compassionate Communication provides a process to allow you to take responsibility for yourself and allow others to take responsibility for themself. That process is empathy.  Empathy allows me to connect with the needs (good reasons) that you are meeting by saying “No”.  With an needs-awareness, taking what others do personally isn’t logical.  In this way, Compassionate Communication provides “rejection protection”.

Exception Two:  If the Askee Cannot say “NO”

Do you know anyone that has difficulty saying “No”? If someone is unable to say “No,” their “Yes” is meaningless.  It’s likely that by continually saying “Yes” when they want to say “No”, the askee will develop resentment for the asker and themselves.  Whenever we don’t honor what we really want with our actions, we run the risk of resentment.

Resentment is “hurt” that keeps on “hurting” as we hold on to (and project) our pain about not attending to our desires.

I have a history of reflexively saying “Yes” to others as a means of protecting myself from conflict.  This tendency, otherwise known as “people-pleasing”, is one that I have worked to “unlearn” because it led to pain for me.  I am confident in my ability to express myself clearly and in ways that can be heard when I’m not in agreement with another person.

Choosing Not to Say “No”

That said, I try not to say the word “No” to convey my state of being because the word is a conversation stopper.  I prefer to communicate in a way that provides space for further dialogue rather than ending the conversation.

My alternative approach is  to follow the adage, “A giraffe [Compassionate Communicator] doesn’t say ‘No’, they share the needs that keep them from saying ‘Yes’”

Here’s an example:  I was recently asked to attend an NVC training happening in Mid-May in Santa Barbara.  Later, I decided that I didn’t want to go.  Here’s what I wrote in an email to the person that invited me:  “I’m taking two other trips during May and I think I’ll be better served by staying home rather than taking another trip up North.”

By sharing the reasons why I wasn’t willing to go in a way that could be heard.  It leaves the door to change open by sharing the reasons why I am choosing not to go.

Do you want to learn how to say “NO” when you mean it?  Do you want to learn to say “NO” without saying that word?  Do you want to learn to hear the “YES” underneath another person’s “NO”?  If so, you may want to learn to Communicate with Heart!

Returning to our Nature

To live compassionately means returning to our nature or “re-tuning” into the ways of being we were born with.  I believe that it is our nature to be connected to ourselves and to others.  Due to our socialization (or “jackal-ization”) we have learned ways of being that blind us to the reality of inner and outer harmony that is our birthright.

Marshall Rosenberg identified this blindness and created (or re-defined) the construct of “needs” to provide a clear path back to our authentic selves.  The four steps of the NVC Model are guides to bring us back to who we really are.

Each of the four “literacies” corresponds directly to one of the four steps of the Compassionate Communication model (Observation, Feeling, Need, and Request).  The four steps work best when we understand the literacy that underlies them.   Competence in any of the four literacies will improve self- and other-connection.  When we gain fluency in all four areas, life is likely to become even easier and more fulfilling.

Below are my definitions of the literacies.

The Four Literacies

Observational Literacy – Awareness of the lenses (i.e. biases) through which we see the world and the ability to describe what we see as objectively as possible.

We move in the world wearing emotional contact lenses that influence what we see and the meanings we make from what we see.  Compassion invites us to strip away the interpretations and evaluations we habitually impose.  In practice, observational literacy means becoming aware of our biases and using that awareness to filter our perceptions.

The result is a starting point for communication based on information that others can agree with.

Emotional Literacy – Awareness of what is happening in your body and the ability to name those sensations.

Emotions are our internal feedback system.  They tell us if what we observe pleases us or triggers discomfort.  In a world where we learn to move from what we see to moralistic judgments about it, we learn to avoid what emanates from our hearts in favor of the product of our heads (i.e. thoughts).  This leads to beings that are internally disconnected.

When we gain the capacity to turn this attention into language that conveys our internal state, we re-connect our hearts and heads and strengthen our connections to life.

Motivational Literacy – Awareness of the energy that drives all behavior and the ability to name that energy.

Needs motivate all behavior.  We all share the same needs.  We are one.  When we can speak the language of needs, we open ourselves to deeper communion with all of life.  When someone tells you they are disappointed in something you’ve done, you have a choice to hear their words only and possibly take the comment personally or to hear their unmet needs just under the surface of their words.  This allows you to attend to what is inside the other.

When we touch the life within others and allow ourselves to be touched by this life, we create connections that re-establish our oneness.  Conflict and oneness are incompatible.

Invitational Literacy – Awareness of choice for all beings and acceptance of what is.

A request is an invitation to meet our needs with no conditions.  A demand is an invitation to meet our needs or be punished (either or both physically and emotionally).  A request-based being is one that values the “NO” as much as the “YES”.   Embracing the “NO” means looking deeper into the needs underneath it and connecting with the “YES” that you find.  When you are present to the need(s) the other person is meeting with their strategy of “NO”, it’s likely that you will open up to another request.

This process leads to agreements that work for all.

Openness invites learning inside.  Understanding welcomes learning and gives it a place at the table.  Literacy allows dialogue with learning.  Fluency means that learning has been integrated and tranformed into growth.

People are people so why should it be
You and I should get along so awfully?

~ Depeche Mode, “People are People“

Labels

One answer I have for Martin Gore and his band members is this:  We get along awfully because we separate ourselves by using labels to describe each other.  I believe that all people are one.  In Compassionate Communication, needs are defined as the “life energy” that every person on our planet (and those folks moving 17,000 mph on the International Space Station) have in common.  They are a bridge to reconciliation and connection.

When we use labels, we focus on difference and lose sight of all that makes us the same.  When we lose connection to others, violence often results.

For more on labels,  here’s a link to the post I made last year:  Labels Come in Many Shapes and Sizes Too.

People are People, Dogs are Dogs

In the April 11th edition of the San Diego Union-Tribune, the editorial cartoon (There it is—->) depicts a snarling dog labeled “sex offenders” chained to a stake.  The chain had a broken link labeled “parole system” that is about to break and free the beast.

Here is the letter I wrote to the paper in response to this image:

My heart is heavy.  I just read the editorial cartoon written by Steve Breen (2009 Pulitzer Prize Winner) in the April 11 edition.  I’d glad his cartoon focuses on the failings of the State Parole System as change is necessary for people to be safe.

What saddens me is not the subject of his work, it’s Mr. Breen’s portrayal of a group of human beings as a ravenous, chained animal.  I believe that people are people.  Period.  When I see a snarling dog labeled “sex offenders”, my heart sinks because I want all people to be treated with respect and understanding, even those who do deplorable things to others.  History has shown repeatedly that dehumanizing people leads to violence and hampers healing.

I believe it is possible to hold people accountable for the harm they cause, protect society from further harm at their hands, and exercise compassion towards them.  One step toward this end is for each of us to use images, words, and thoughts that honor the humanity of all persons.

I invite Mr. Breen to use his Pulitzer Prize-winning talent to depict people as people and let dogs be dogs.

David R. McCain

People are people. Dogs are Dogs.

Cats are…Wonderful!

Of the three, only people need support to Communicate with Heart!

The hungry mouth is the last to get fed.

~ Kelly Bryson

I Have a Disease

Before you leave this page or go for the latex gloves, know that I’m not contagious.  I am coming forth today to say that I suffer from Connection Deficit Disorder.

This affliction is one that has it’s roots on the inside and it can’t be transmitted to others. It shows it’s ugly head when I interact with people from a space of scarcity — a place of lack.  When I come from this place, I have observed that people are much less willing to be around me — I become the “hungry mouth” in Kelly Bryson’s quote.

In contrast, when I come from a place of abundance — when I move through the illusion that any of my needs are unmet — others are attracted to me!  My birthday celebrations remind me that I have been flowery for the last six months as I add more bouquets to a very fragrant life.

What is Connection?

Connection is a code word used frequently by people who practice Compassionate Connection (CC).  It is classified in this work as a human “need” which means it is a label for “life energy” that motivates behavior.  Other needs include safety, clarity, and understanding.

For me, connection is the quality of being when two parties fully understand each other’s perspective.  When this need is met, both parties open to choosing actions that honor both of their needs.  Connection build a foundation for compassionate living between people.

How can Someone Meet this Need?

Like all human needs, the need for connection can be met in innumerable ways.  It can be met through interactions with others, nature, and/or oneself.

I like to meet this need by having people in my life.  Over the weekend my two favorite people stayed with me (Katie Pierce and Leonard McCain) and my CDD disappeared from my internal radar screen.  I discovered this insight before and during my Wednesday Morning hike with my good friend.  Often I want to talk and he wants silence.  On Wednesday, I was in a place of serenity and silence was wonderful.  My life-energy “stomach” was full after several days of feeding by those I care for.

Here’s the video from the top of South Fortuna Mountain

Do you experience CDD?  When is yours the hungry mouth?

The top of the mountain is a vitalizing place.  When we take the “mountain-top” experience with us and integrate it into our lives, we run the risk of living our daily lives as if we never left the mountain.  That’s when we Communicate with Heart.

Part of courage is simple consistency.

~ Peggy Noonan

A Year of Heartstrings!

I’ve been blogging on this site for one year and four days.  It has been great fun for me both to create entries and to receive feedback.  The process of writing my insights and observations about the world has really turned me on.

Playing the Strings

To celebrate 370 days of sharing I’ve sorting all my blog entries into categories.  I invite you to feel into the list and see if your heart is moved to explore further.

Compassionate Communication (NVC)-related Heartstrings

Intention – The worldview underneath the NVC Model

• Return to the Heart: A Mediation – A meditation I share at trainings to introduce Nonviolent Communication
• Recycle or Else — A look back at San Diego’s 2004 recycling campaign through the lens of NVC
• Does Nonviolent Communication Work? – A discussion of the effectiveness of NVC
• I’m Not Violent! Am I? – A look at the definition of “violence” from the perspective of Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication.
• Elephants Poop! – A humorous presentation about a possible new animal symbol for Compassionate Communication.

The Steps, Skills, and Nuances of Compassionate Communication

• The Request Test- My first entry about the 4th Step of the NVC Model
• The Guest House - How do you respond to the emotions (Step 2 of the NVC model) that appear on your doorstep?
  

  What emotions are on Your doorstep?

• No More Secrets – Focused on the importance of sharing our honesty
• Self-Empathy: Actively Loving Yourself Unconditionally - A review and example of self-empathy
• Labels Come in Many Shapes and Sizes Too – A look at the power of labels to define our world with a request to help me choose a label that fits my work
• Who Says I Can’t Get Stoned - A presentation of the concepts of “power over”, “power with”, rebellion, and submission as applied to a new John Mayer song.

Direct Applications to Daily Living

• Excitement — Yes!  Attachment — No! Part I – My experience of finding a possible new living/working space
• Excitement — Yes! Attachment — No! Part II – A discussion of rejection using an NVC lens
• Shortcuts to Effective Communication – Shorthand phrases gleaned from attending many trainings about ways to communication effectively
• Using Presence to Change Habits – Applying the concept of Self-Forgiveness to one of my “bad” habits
• I Left Out a Step! (Follow up to Using Presence to Change Habits) – Adding another step to the self-forgiveness process. The step of Regret!
• Three Steps to Self-full Living! – Elucidates the difference between selfishness, selflessness and self-fullness and provided three steps toward self-full living
• Mars and Venus Orbit the Planet Compassion — A discussion on my views and John Gray’s about taking responsibility for other’s emotions
• “Fair Fighting” Guidelines — Tips on how to manage the inevitable conflicts life brings
• When I Rush, I Lose – Another blog post about my challenge to slow down.
• Attachment Really Does Lead to Suffering – My experience of being attached to certain “dance music”.  Another look at Self-Forgiveness as a means to shift out of suffering.
• Compassionate Parenting with Toddlers – A discussion about Dr. Harvey Karp’s parenting techniques.  He’s the author of “The Happiest Baby on the Block”
• Body Language GOLD on the Internet! – Links to three articles I enjoyed about body language and information on the website they are from.

Invitations

• My Gratitude and Yours – A Thanksgiving message about my gratefulness and an invitation to hear yours.
• Would you Like to Build a Foundation of Compassion? - An invitation to learn more about Compassionate Communication by exploring my services.

Poetry/Stories

• The Open Hand Meets the Closed First – A story about two ways of being in the world
• The Arrow Remembers its Circle Nature – A poem about two ways of being in the world (different from the last blog)
• Stop the Bleeding - An editorial delivered (and videotaped) at my Toastmasters club about news and the future.

Steps on My Life Journey

• What is Sacred to me? - Sharing my history and values
• Man Regains Order in his Life — A press release about my journey toward greater order in my home
• Way Too Many Daves — My insights on my common first name and my best friend with help from Dr. Seuss
• My Secret — Part I: A Hidden Flaw — An introduction to my “deformity” and how it was kept from public view
• My Secret — Part II: Coming to Terms with my Disability — Making sense of my difference and using it a path to connect to others
• Three Freedoms — When we see needs as the cause of our emotions, these freedoms are within our grasp
• Where did you Park your Bike? – A humorous look at my long-hair days and one stranger’s reaction to me
• Learning to Breath – How I learned to breath while swimming and in the ocean of life
• How the “Perfect” Apartment went “Sour”? — A look at the principle of cognitive dissonace (“sour grapes”) in the context of my apartment search
• TO Shave or NOT TO Shave:  THAT is the question – A request for feedback about my life-changing question.
• An About Face (so to speak:) - The answers to the question about my face and my final decision.
• I’m Slowing Down – A description of overload and my strategies to take care of myself.  Includes lyrics to a new song.
• Six Books and a Kitten – A look at six treasures I picked up at a Public Library Book Sale and a bit about Sweets!
• Desert Re-Balancing Act – A video taken on a trip to the desert about the importance of having skills to return to balance.
• Root Canal I: What is Pain, Anyway? – Entry with video of musings on pain.

Music

• Singing with Heart – Reflections on the NVC songs I’ve written in the last four years
• Celebrating Life by Sailing Free (Original Music “Video” Attached) - My sharing from the heart at a friend’s baby shower.
• Start with YoUUr Heart (To make the world a better place) – Lyrics and Youtube video about my “theme” song.
• I’m Born Again and I’m Singing About it! – A celebration of our capacity to remake ourselves by honoring the power of the moment.

Heart-to-Heart (my version of Dear Abby)

• Heart-to-Heart: Family Matters — Answering questions about relationships between a grandparent and her grandkids and a mother and her nanny
• Before and After: Compassionate Letter Writing — An example of a compassionate letter to someone you don’t know that you’d like to have do something for you.

Other Heartstrings

Me and Dad on April 4, 2009

• Words From my Father:  “Dave, go for it!” - Interview with my Dad
• Me, Kitty, and the MBTI – An Introduction to my roommate (Sweets, the cat) and another tool I use in my work and another tool I use in my work
• Dear Tiger… – My attempt to make sense of Tiger Wood’s behavior by honoring his needs and sharing my own.
• My Updated Calendar – A listing of my events for February – June 2010
• 57 in 370 (Blog Entries in Days) – An overview of my blog entries.

When you open your heart and invite the world in, you and the world are richer for it.  Communicating with Heart is good for the soul.

We should try to be the parents of our future rather than the offspring of our past.

~ Miguel de Unamuno (European essayist, novelist, and playwright)

Wednesday Hike

I love to get out and explore the physical world with a good friend on Wednesdays before the sun comes up.  I find that movement through natural spaces helps me move into my inner world opening door to deeper connection to myself.

Yesterday, while moving through the reddish, rocky trails at Mission Trails Regional Park in San Diego, I had an insight.  Actually I had a number of insights and I’ll just share one.  The bulk of the hike was spent in dialogue with my hiking partner.  Our conversation prompted me to reflect more deeply on where I am.

Several of my past blogs have been on the theme of Slowing Down (When I Rush, I Lose – November 2009,  The Open Hand Meets the Cold Fist – December 2009, I’m Slowing Down – January 2010,  The Arrow Remembers it’s Circle Nature – January 2010).  This one sheds a little more light on the subject of my tendency to “rush” through life.

Mission Trails Insight

What do you think?

Is your past creeping into your present?  Do unresolved pains from yesterday help determine your experience of the present?  What do you do when you see past behavior patterns repeating?

The past is not the past if it’s in the present.  When we see the past in the moment, it may be a time to slow down and look back so you can move forward freely and fully toward Communicating with Heart!

I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?

~Mother Teresa of Calcutta

The Context

This entry is based on interaction I had with a life coaching client. All names have been changed.

Two residents of a lovely San Diego County neighborhood noticed the condition of a rental property on their street.  They were concerned.  They wanted beauty (in their surroundings) and consideration (i.e. have their desires honored) and community (i.e. to be connected to ones neighbors).  They really wanted the absentee landlord to fix the property.  They likely held some judgments about the Landlord that obscured their expression of needs.

Below are two drafts of a letter that followed an email from the neighbors to the Landlord to which there was no response.  The first draft is the original and the second is the revised, “giraffe-ed” copy that the author wrote after a private session with me.  I emphasized the importance of intention whenever one wants to connect with another.  We also talked about the importance of getting “connected” with the other before sharing a requess.  This can be difficult in person much less by letter.

Before

Dear Mr. Smith,

Our email may have got lost in the daily e-mail overload—or it did reach you and you have not let us know your thoughts?

We are a bit disappointed, because we were hoping to be able to have met you in person already, both to hear of your plans and to talk over some of the things that concern us.

As we try to guess at what may be going on for you, we wonder if you are leery of neighbors (us) who may sound meddlesome.

Please understand that we respect your right to makethose landlord decisions that serve you well. All of us have to take care of our own needs first. But we also know, that given that independence to act, people also find it satisfying sometimes to consider someone else’s request.

Therefore, we are asking again: Would you be willing to meet with us at one of our homes or at a coffee shop to talk about our neighborhood, our little corner of the world, and how we might enjoy more being neighbors here?

Please let us know by calling.

Anna & Andrea (names changed)

What comes up in you when you read this letter?  If you were the recipient, would you be moved to act?

After

In this letter I have bracketing the steps or parts of the Compassionate Communication Model.

Hello, Mr. Smith,

We have not received a response back from our last letter [Observation] and we are wondering if you did receive that note [Feeling - wonder and need - information].

Maybe you have missed it in the daily e-mail overload, or maybe you have not had a chance to contact us back [Empathic guesses to connect].

We’d like to have a chance these days– to get to talk together,  to be more clear on what we’d like, and we hope that you will consider giving us a neighborly ear…[honesty with a wish - to talk together and needs - clarity, expression]

We love the small town feel of our neighborhood, the way many people here say “hello” and watch out for each other. We appreciate the sense of safety, beauty, and community. [Honesty that celebrates met needs!]

We hope to live and die here, and be part of the quality of life that all of us want. [Powerful honesty!]

When we pass by your property on the corner of X Street and Y Ave [Observation], we feel discouraged [Feeling], and we are looking for a way to be connected with you in person, especially since you do not live here yourself [Need - connection]. We are thinking that in hearing what is going on for you, we may be able to work together to create a good solution for all. [Need - Partnership/Collaboration]

Would you be willing to let us know that your received this e-mail [Request]?

If so, would you be willing to let us know whether next Monday afternoon, at 3 p.m. is a good day and time for you to talk on the phone or – even better, if you happen to be in the neighborhood some time- would you tell us and meet both of us at one of our homes {Requests]? We would enjoy a “get to know” chat. We know that we want to give respect and good will [Needs].  Thanks.

Anna (phone) & Andrea (phone)

How does this letter land for you?  Do you feel differently when you read this one compared to the first?  Would you be more likely to reply as requested after reading this letter?

Love your neighbor as yourself. Why?  Because s/he’s not actually your neighbor.  S/he is you.  His hand is your hand.  Her heart is your heart.  We are one.

I’m never gonna hang
With pain again
I’m romancing a smile
Let’s thank God for awhile

~ No Better Time to Love, Xray Robinson

Pain \’pān\

• noun: a basic bodily sensation…typically leading to evasive action
• verb: to make suffer or cause distress to

~ Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

A Pain in My Mouth

I had the first half of a root canal on tooth number 15 (upper back molar) on Monday. (The second half of the procedure happens next Thursday.)  After the procedure, my dentist told me that I bled more than the average patient and that I had a higher risk of complications.

Tell me, Crystal Ball: What is pain?

She told me that most patients need to take Tylenol every four hours a day for the first week after the procedure to deal with pain.  I have experienced some “pain” since Monday though, thankfully, I have only used Tylenol four times to help deal with it.

On Sunday during a walk to church and in anticipation of my root canal, I wondered about pain.  What is it? An observation?  A feeling?  What do you think?

Is “Pain” an Observation?

Webster’s Online Dictionary definition for pain sounds like an observation.  Observation is the first step of the four-step Compassionate Communication model.  The definition I like for this step is the “concrete actions affecting our well-being”.  In describing the actions affecting my well-being in this circumstance, I might say that I’m in some pain.

In Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Marshall Rosenberg suggests that we separate evaluation from observation in this step.  He quotes J. Krishnamurti who said that “observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.”

Is “pain” an observation? I believe it’s a mix of observation and evaluation rather than a pure observation.  An observation without evaluation would look like this:  “The dentist put topical anesthetic and injected anesthetic into my gums around the tooth.  Then she took a drill and made a hole in my tooth then used tools including a small file to remove the nerve.”

Is “Pain” a Feeling?

In CC, pain is defined as our internal feedback system.   When a need is met, we feel “positive” or pleasurable emotions and when a need is not met, we feel “negative” or uncomfortable emotions.  One way to determine if what one thinks may be a feeling is one (in Compassionate Communication) is to give it the “I am” test.  In English, any feeling can be expressed by either saying “I feel [feeling]” or “I am [feeling]“.  Here’s two examples:

No pain. Only beauty. (Torrey Pines State Park)

1. Happiness.  I can express happiness by saying “I feel happy” or “I’m happy”.  It passed the test!
2. Rejection.  I can express rejection by saying “I feel rejected” or “I’m rejected”.  Looks like a failure to me.  Rejecting is a word we use to label another person’s motives.   Underneath feeling “rejected” might be sadness, frustration, or hurt.

Let’s put “pain” to the “I am” test:  “I am pain”.  I think it failed.

Is “Pain” a Need?

A need is life energy that creates our feelings.  I looked at my needs list and pain isn’t on it.  A need is something that motivates and may be expressed in this form:  “I’m upset because I’m wanting [need]“.  Let’s try pain as the need: “I’m upset because I’m wanting pain”.  It sounds like the ode of the masochist rather than an expression of a need.

Unmet needs I imagine when I focus on the concept of “pain” are protection, reassurance, empathy, acceptance, mourning,  ease or peace.

So if pain isn’t an observation, feeling, or need, what is it?

Is “Pain” a Judgment, perhaps?

Here my video on the topic:

I’d enjoy hearing your responses to this entry

Pain is a choice?! It can be obliterated when we choose to Communicate with Heart!

Depth and richness enters your life through the discipline of waiting.

~ Alice Nah

Ch-Ch-Changes

Last week I was in a place that I wanted to change.  Out of respect for others, I won’t share where or what this place is except to say that it’s a place where I have started volunteering to give me more opportunities to connect with and serve others.

Sweets often waits with one eye open!

What did I want to change?  Everything.  I wanted to be fully present to those being served in ways that I’m guessing they usually don’t experience.  On my first visit to this place, I was able to connect with people in the way I’d like.  On Friday’s visit I was assigned a role that gave me fewer opportunities to connect with those being served as I’d like and, in the middle of the event, I noticed I wasn’t having as much fun as before.

As I touched my discomfort, I observed and sensed how the “work” was being done in this place.  It was clear to me that the values/needs of service, contribution, and efficiency were present and the way these values were expressed didn’t resonate with me (i.e. left some of my needs unmet).  As I observed the “culture” of this place (actions based on unspoken assumptions), I felt uncomfortable because I want a world where it’s easy to connect with others and where partnership between all people is a lived value.  I longed for a removal of barriers between the people being served and the people doing the serving.

What do you do when your needs aren’t met?

What do I do?  Usually I don’t wait.  I try to meet these needs in the moment with as much flow and creativity as possible.  I wanted more connection so I reached out to another volunteer and shared my discomfort and the reasons for it.  Part of my need was empathy which I got it from the nods and “I feel that way to’s” from my colleague.  (The latter may have been sympathy not empathy). I also had an unmet need for self-expression (oftentimes a strongly motivating need for me) which I met by the act of sharing how I “was”.

Several times during the event, I felt a powerful urge to invite the volunteer coordinator into dialogue not only about how my needs might be better met, but how the needs of both the volunteers and those served would be better met.  I wanted to clarify the cultural assumptions of this place and share my critiques of them.  I wanted to educate her by sharing ways to shift how the work was being done that would better honor my desires for connection and partnership.  I wanted to change this place.

Waiting with (and on) and loved ones (and waiting with loved ones on) is fun!

Then I remembered that I was new to this place and that its culture, no matter how much I disliked it, is what it is because it works. Everything happens to meet a need so many needs were being met in this place. Needs for efficiency, clarity, comradarie and ease for the volunteers were met.  Some degree of ease and efficiency was also met for those served.  This thinking (touching the needs met by behavior that you don’t enjoy) helped me “mellow out” (met needs for peace) by better appreciating the place for what it was. This thinking also softened my desire to alter the space.

My desire to express my concerns and work towards new solutions also triggered concern.  Concern that those who “controlled” or led the culture might not be able to hear my concerns no matter how compassionate my language.  They created and support this culture and for an “outsider” to “challenge” it might not go over so well.  Though I don’t want my behavior to be determined by fear of another’s possible response (this is how I “people-pleased” for years), I do want to be aware of my own desire for ease in sharing concerns and working toward solutions.

This is a lived example of the Compassionate Communication adage of “Empathy before Honesty or Self-expression”.  In other words,  I decided that I wanted to have a stronger connection to the Volunteer Coordinator before I spoke my truth.

What’s the Bottom Line

I shared my concerns with my co-volunteer, reached out to those served, and decided not to share my unmet needs with the volunteer coordinator.  I decided to wait.

How do I feel about that?  I feel satisfied because my need to be considerate of the volunteer’s needs (ease, respect, appreciation) and my need for effectiveness (having her hear me and work with me to create new approaches) were stronger than my need for expression/connection/partnership which was actually met to a large degree by my interaction with the co-volunteer.

Next Time

As I came home after this experience I wondered where I was with this and how I wanted to proceed.  In reflecting, I had an insight: There are two distinct directions I can go to get my needs met at this place.  One direction I could take is to go to those in “power” (i.e. the Volunteer Coordinator and/or the Executive Director) and share my observations and concerns compassionately about the unstated assumptions (i.e. culture) and dialogue to create new approaches that work for everyone.  This may take more time that I’d like and, as mentioned, my standing as an “outsider” may make it hard for my voice to be heard with the impact I’d like.

Sweets is a professional waiter and does it with panache (with either one or two eyes open)!

Another way to meet needs is to go to those in positions of “power”, tell them about what needs are met and not met and find ways they can be met within the culture.  I like the sound of this.  As I continue being part of this place and, in the process, deepen my connection and develop more trust, I may have more ease in sharing my larger concerns.

I intend to go back to this place at some point with a sense of openness to the experience and willingness to change and be changed.  I feel excited to see what happens!

Maybe the discipline of waiting does invite richness and depth into my life.  What do you think?

Living is not about always being in balance.  It’s about knowing when you’re off-balance and taking action to re-connnect with your true self.

Being Out of Balance Can Hurt

Yesterday I visited Anza-Borrgeo State Park in San Diego County.   A friend and I hiked the Borrego Palm Canyon Trail which follows a stream into a canyon ending in a grove of Palm Trees.  After reaching the shady, wind-free oasis, I took some time to scramble up and down the rocks jutting from the canyon walls.  I really enjoyed the movement, the flowers, and my sense of connection to the earth.

Chollas in the Desert (2010)

As I tottered about on the red-brown moonscape fully enjoying the discovery of the moment, I thought of balance.  If I were to lose my balance, I would likely get hurt.  This revelation reminded me of the times, in my daily living, when I slip.  I have slips of the tongue when the words don’t get me where I’m wanting to go and there are slips between “the cup and the lip” when my attempts to express myself lead to messes rather that the result I intend.

This insight mapped well onto my vision of heart-full, compassionate living.  Self-efficacy, for me, means accepting all that you encounter (what “is”) without judgment (or, for me, translating that judgment using Compassionate Communication) and integrating what “is” into yourself.  In the process going from being “off-balance” (hopefully for just a moment) to regaining your balance.

Dancing on the Mountain

I took a short video as I paused for a rest on the mountain to reflect on this idea of balance.

Are you seeking a greater ability to rebalance yourself?  I’d like to help with that endeavor.  To dialogue with me on what that relationship might look like, call (619-218-7554) or email (davidrmccain@cox.net)